World Mental Health Day - 17 Pills

Today is World Mental Health Day. I thought it would be a good day to talk.

I wake up every morning at 4:55am. I do this because my brain is really good in the morning, and I'm jealous of how good it is--so I take as much good brain as I can get. If I'm feeling ambitious I'll often push this to 4:00am, but I'm often too sleepy.

The first thing I do is taken two pills: Modafinil, which is a drug designed to wake me up (which I need because in a second I'm going to tell you about the sedating drugs I take at night), and I also take an Adderall. This was a new addition to the regimen, as my doctor's attempt to get me out of the absolutely crippling depression I have in the afternoons. More on that later.

The next thing I do is go to the gas station and get that day's first dose of Diet Coke. I go to the gas station, rather than buying bulk Coke at Costco or something, because 1) it gets me out of the house, and 2) I use the cups of Coke that I buy--it's more than one--to set a routine by which I measure my day. This routine is incredibly useful. Throughout the day I am always aware of place in the universe because I know how much Coke I have and how much longer it's going to last.

Yes, I know I drink a lot of Diet Coke. My nutritionist and psychiatrist are both aware of it, and they agree that the benefits outweigh the harm so I will not be taking any questions on the topic thankyouverymuch.

I then try to be as productive as possible until around 8:00 or 8:30, when I start my day job. The job starts and my brain is still really good, so I buzz through things as fast as I can.

At 10:00am, I take more meds: 3 Wellbutrin, an anti-depressant that also helps with OCD; Xanax Extended Release, to help with anxiety; Metformin, for prediabetes (not a mental health drug, but one I take); and lithium, the kind of big daddy of immediate relief from depression and spiraling thoughts. I started lithium the day that I had a suicidal ideation crisis about six years ago, and it has done a very excellent job of making sure that those thoughts don't come back.

Then more work. Again, as fast as I can. Trying to pack it all in, because I know my time is limited.

At 2:00pm I take a second Adderall, a second Modafinil, and another lithium. This is all a new plan that is combatting my overwhelming depression. And it totally works! It used to be that I would go to bed every day at 3:00pm and just be sad and scroll my phone until bedtime. It was misery. I STILL go to bed at 3:00pm, but I can actually be productive for a good three or four hours from bed, on my laptop. That's actually where I am typing this.

I cannot tell you how incredibly life changing that tiny change--the afternoon Adderall and Modafinil--has been for my just overall life. I feel like a new person. And this is new! I've only been doing this for about two months. It's so great.

At 3:00pm, before I go to bed, I go to the gas station for my second Diet Coke fill up. This one is also to set a routine--that routine is SO important--but it's also to delineate a very specific END OF WORK and BEGINNING OF THE REST OF THE DAY. So I do that.

Then, I do stuff, on my laptop and on my phone, for the rest of the day. The entire rest of the day, like until 10:00pm, when it's time for bed. At bedtime I take 2 Metformin, another Xanax XR, another lithium, an escitalopram (which is another antidepressant that I can't think of the brand name for), and a little rosuvastatin pill for cholesterol.

And then I take two Saphris, which are my Miracle Schizophrenia Meds, which have stopped me from having a SINGLE hallucination or delusion for the past five and a half years. These meds are amazing, but they also knock me out (hence the need for Modafinil in the morning).

Anyway, these are my meds. which, if I'm doing my math right, come to seventeen pills a day.

Here's why I'm telling you all of this, and why I always talk about my mental health treatment: because it's normal and okay. I take a lot of pills! Who cares! Pills are literal miracles that have been found to make peoples' lives better! Do they have side effects? Yes, absolutely, and I have to deal with that and it sucks. But they make me not see things that aren't there and believe things that aren't true! They make me not want to hurt myself! They make me be able to--I don't know--accomplish small tasks between 3:00pm and 10:00pm! These things are all miracles.

And it's not just that taking pills is okay, but being sick is OKAY. One in four Americans has a mental illness, and it's not a shameful thing. It's a physical problem with your physical body. It's not a moral failing or a character flaw. Mental illness is a real, honest-to-goodness, illness.

(I should mention the other thing that I do with all of this is that I see a therapist every week, and not just a therapist, but a skills-based cognitive behavioral therapist who teaches me how to navigate my life. It's amazing! And there's nothing wrong with therapy! I think EVERYONE could benefit from therapy.)

Anyway, all of this to say: be nice to yourself. And if you're struggling, get help. Because there are real things that really help.